I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
this hospital has no fireball
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize