I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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