Say something about gay babies.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I don't deserve a penis
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
