Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
