your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
