When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Randomize
