It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
