He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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