he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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