I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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