Three words: puerto rican gang bang
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
