I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
