don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Come see our sink grown plant.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
