I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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