I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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