My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
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