yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
