when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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