Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
