Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
