that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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