Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
