He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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