i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
