nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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