Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
