2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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