My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
