ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
