I molested 6 butterflies tonight
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
