I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
