I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
