if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
