He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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