My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
