I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
