omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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