you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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