ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
