They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
