I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
