His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
