Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I didn't notice because vodka
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
