Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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