Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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