I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
