I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
