you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
