Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i will never coherently bang her
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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