I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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