My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
