i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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