Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
