I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
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You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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