My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
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I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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